Make Friends as an Adult!
It’s not always easy for adults to make friends. We no longer have have schoolmates or organized extracurricular activities. We usually have a “day job” that takes up most of our time and energy. Most advice we get it is to “take a class,” “volunteer for something,” “join a club,” or “go to church.” While these are all good ideas, it may not be obvious to you what choice of class, cause, club or church you want to join. If you invest time in one and don’t make friends… do you quit and pick another? Also, as much as I’m all for volunteering, you may meet only a few people per volunteer project, so I think you should volunteer for causes you care about without the additional motive to make friends.
Frankly, most people are uncomfortable “talking to strangers.” They are just not used to it. Some people are just shy or more introverted by nature. That’s really totally cool and does not mean you can’t make new friends. But, if you don’t talk to people you don’t already know, you won’t be able to make new friends easily. Period.
There are other modern reasons that people aren’t used to talking to new people. People are generally more comfortable with text messaging than voice calls and consider social media apps to be “social interaction.” Sure. How many “Facebook friends” do you have that you barely know? You can even order online and if you choose, not talk to one human in an entire day. Probably an entire week. Is it a surprise people find it hard to make friends? Lastly, for people that have been in a long-term relationship and have a change in relationship status, there can be a bit of a shock.
First, let me tell you about the “shy” part. It’s not a jail sentence!
When I first got to Wall Street, I was a shy 20 year old who definitely struck people more as a “girl” than a “woman.” I hated having to talk to people I didn’t know, including even people in other departments of my firm that I didn’t work closely with. I realized early on that, on Wall Street, if you don’t open your mouth, you don’t exist. Since I did want to be successful, I realized that: first, I would have to open my mouth. But, “Airtime” alone is not the goal. People see through that really fast. That leads to the second thing: for it to be worth opening my mouth, it required that I have something worthwhile to say. Knowing you have something worthwhile to say helps your confidence. This is a virtuous circle since the third part is… confidence! Day-to-day, practice is probably the most important way to increase your confidence.
So… I decided to start opening my mouth. It would sometimes literally make me nauseous later (no joke!). I would stay awake that night feeling like I must’ve said way too much. But eventually, I became comfortable enough talking to new people that I now actually like it! Pretty long way from nauseous and staying up at night after talking to people to a successful career in a very competitive arena. My success was probably due in large part to getting recognized as someone with “something to say!”
The funny part is, people today guess me for an “extrovert!” If that shy girl can walk into a room of over 100 people she doesn’t know, recognize my “jitters” and then open a conversation with a stranger, so can you!
So, how do we even start? Let’s break it into three steps, which don’t have to be done in strict order.
Step 1: Super low risk mini conversations: Take advantage of the easy day-to-day opportunities to talk to people. I am amazed how many people scroll their phones in lines at the grocery store and even when they are actually at the checkout. The person serving you is typically trained to say something like “Hi, did you find everything you needed today?” Instead of a one-word answer, you can make a simple observation (“I did, thanks. It’s beautiful out there! Were you able to get outside today?”) or, comment on how your day is actually going in more than one word, and ask back how their day is going… if they had a fun weekend, etc. You’ll be surprised how often people open up and are welcoming that you are actually recognizing them as a fellow human, not treating them like a robot.
What’s easy about this step: You’ll often make their day a little better, which will (virtuous circle again) make your day a little better. It’s a great way to practice a little if you’re more introverted, as it’ll be short and take very little “energy.” You may find the virtuous circle part actually pumps up your energy level a little once you’re more comfortable with it.
Step 2: Slightly longer but still easy conversations: This is more for things like Uber drivers, “waiting rooms,” public transportation, and bartenders and other servers. You can start the same way as above, but the interaction is a little longer, so you can get more into a conversational flow by asking follow up questions. Drivers often have really interesting stories of what else they do, what they used to do, what they like about driving, etc.
Same with bartenders. By the way, you don’t have to drink alcohol at the bar, you can usually eat at the bar and/or order a mineral water or non-alcoholic drink (PSA: Please consider tipping based on your visit, not the amount of the check! Sorry, but this is a “pet peeve” of mine.) Bartenders often have interesting stories, other gigs, and as part of what they do, are good at engaging back in conversation with customers. Be careful to notice if they’re slammed. If you don’t pick up on this, you may feel you’re not being successful at conversation, while they’re just trying to serve other customers and often even fill drink orders from the rest of the restaurant.
Ever see someone picking veggies at the market looking like they really know what they want? You can ask how they pick the best cantaloupe, pomegranate, or whatever. They probably want to share their system.
What’s easy about this step is that your interaction has a sort of natural beginning and end (you get to the airport or finish your meal, and you leave). If you’re naturally a bit shy, like me, you worry less about if something you say comes out sounding not so intelligent since these conversations are still fairly short. Compared to the mini-conversations, these are slightly more energy intensive for the shy. But they have more potential upside, in that these are where you start being able to possibly make friends, in addition to getting more comfortable just talking to people.
Now, let’s go a little bigger (GULP!)
Step 3: Full on “conversations with strangers”. Here’s where you get out there in the world and just “talk to strangers.” It’s where you’re more likely to actually make friends. Restaurants, parties, sports events, anywhere people are in one place for a period of time that’s not strictly defined.
How can this be easy?? Here’s a few important tips…
Your “resting face”… Sometimes it’s easy to overlook the obvious. Smile. Not a laser lock beam to open the convo (creepy?) but be aware of your “resting face”. As you’re out there not engaged in conversation, try to be in the habit of letting your facial expression be welcoming. Soft eyes and jaw, let the corners of your mouth naturally rise… you’ll feel and look more approachable.
Try to feel comfortable just being yourself, not what you think someone else expects. This might fall under “easier said than done”, because most of us want to be “people pleasers.” We naturally try to meet others’ expectations. But if you’re not being yourself, even if you have a conversation, it just feels fake and unsatisfying for both parties. No connection will be felt.
Allow your eyes to look around the space and notice people and things, which helps you naturally have situational conversation openers. A few examples are follow… “Wow, it looks like they have a serious ___ selection here. Are you a ___ drinker or do you prefer wine?” “I’m trying to figure out what to order, what do you think they do best here?” “That dress is so cool, I’ve been looking for something like that! What’s your fave place to find clothes that have ____?” Always talk slowly enough so if they respond to the observation before you throw in a follow up, you are “present” and can respond to what they say, not necessarily stick to your plan. (Football fans might think of the first drive set of “scripted plays.” Sometimes you gotta “call an audible.”)
Common interests are good at events or parties. Again, it’s good to ease in with an observation before asking a question. “Big turnout today… How long have you known the (hosts, restaurant, club.)” “How did you meet, get interested in…” “How long have you been doing…”
It’s best to do all this without an “agenda.” Hopefully talking to and learning about new people becomes its own reward. Networking has its place in business, but we’re thinking about how to make friends as an adult. If you’re single and open a convo with someone of your preferred type, try not to first look for a ring! You’re not working the room, you’re just enjoying conversation. Only look for a ring if the conversation gets to the point where it feels flirtier. Then by all means, visually look for a ring and/or ask questions, so you don’t get into an awkward spot. (Usually “Do you have kids?” will lead to an easy way for partner or lack thereof to be mentioned.)
Where you might get hung up:
Be aware of body language. If people are very closed off with their heads down, they are often not looking to have a conversation, maybe needing a little escape from something else. Tread gently, maybe as simple as making a comment out loud to yourself and see if they pipe up. Or start with a very simple observation (Is it really chilly in here, or is it just so hot outside?) that can be ignored. If people don’t bite or “blow you off,” it’s no big deal, you can have empathy for them having past experiences that leave them closed off, or maybe just having a bad day. Don’t judge. Don’t take it personally. Just stop talking. It’s not awkward. It’s fine.
Note, sometimes body language can be deceiving, so if the only person next to you is staring at their phone, don’t just start staring at yours.
One recent very interesting conversation I had was when a friend I was meeting got stuck at work. I was already out where we were supposed to meet. In the next seat was a fellow staring at his phone pretty intently. I was a little bummed my friend got hung up (not his fault). So, I turned and said, probably with a little too much edge, “So, is that fascinating, or are you just killing time?” The fellow said, “Both, actually.” And it turns out he was reading a super interesting Michael Pollan book I had read right when it came out. We had a great conversation for easily an hour or more about that and a range of other topics. I noticed he had a ring on, which did not detract from the conversation at all, it was not flirtatious. The ring was just information, as there was no agenda on either side.
Stay “present.” Only open your phone up if it’s part of the conversation, like a photo of something you’re talking about. If you must answer a text, be clear to apologize and note that it’s something you just have to address “really quick.” Especially at the start, conversations often die in the gap when a phone is looked at. It says, “talking to you is not that interesting to me right now,” whether you mean that or not.
If you feel like you’ve said something stupid, you’ll be amazed how people often don’t think so, or don’t even notice. Sometimes they pick up and disagree in a conversational way, and that can be cool. You can get another viewpoint on the topic. You can maybe dig yourself out of the hole you imaging you dug. If you do say something dumb, know that this happens to everyone and don’t beat yourself up or dwell on it, even if it ends the conversation. It happens to all of us at times. If the conversation is going well and you say something that feels dumb, don’t be afraid to make a joke so they know you feel a little awkward. “Ugh, you can tell I don’t know much about ___, but at least I’m interested to know more.”
I will note, being a sports fan, during sports games is not ideal for talking to new people, unless you’re a knowledgeable fan of the event or team. People are usually focused on the game, which makes sense.
Be careful not to make assumptions. Don’t open assuming the people are mother and daughter for example. Please never assume someone is pregnant! Be careful assuming anything based on an accent. Be careful with statements that could be viewed as political, unless that’s a defining part of “being yourself.” I don’t stop myself from mentioning that there’s no “Planet B” if the weather conversation gets deeper than surface. If you’re going to get to know me, you’re going learn I care about the planet and think what we do to it makes a difference. Sometimes in that case you get deeper conversations where you can brainstorm ideas from both sides as long as you stay open and don’t just repeat dogma.
And Now… Ways to step from conversation to friend:
If the conversation is interesting and gets beyond surface-level chatting, but the other person doesn’t mention a way to continue to interact, have your own preferred style to connect. This can vary depending on the situation. Here are some options. People are just very cautious about being rejected, which is understandable. If you have business interests in common, you can exchange cards and say something like, “If you’re on LinkedIn, maybe we should connect there since we both…” If it’s potential casual friends, you can still offer a card (better if you have a memorable card, like with an image or picture that shows your interest or style.) If you like social media, it’s pretty low key to say “Want to connect on… (Facebook, Instagram, or whatever your favorite but not obscure platform is) could I send you a request?” Or, if it’s a venue where you’re likely to run into them again, just try to commit a few details to memory and be sure to recognize them and say hello next time. They will be flattered you remembered them and even something about them. If next time they are with a companion that’s not a date, you might make two new friends!
When you get into the habit of talking to people you don’t know, you will find it is a natural progression that you make friends. Getting hung up anywhere I didn’t hit? Anything you’d like to ask? Hit me up on Instagram or Facebook!
Connection with other humans is important to your healthspan and is an important part of my coaching. If you want to explore more, you can start with a free anti aging assessment by clicking the button below.
Neither Deb Stewart nor any employee of Custom Healthspan LLC is a physician, psychologist, registered or licensed dietitian, certified nutritionist, physical therapist, or other healthcare professional and the scope of his or her consultation services does not include diagnosis, treatment, or cure of any psychological or physical condition, nor do the services replace the necessary services of licensed healthcare providers. None of the content presented constitutes medical or psychiatric advice, nor is it a substitute for treatment. The content on this website is for educational and informational purposes only. Clients should use their own judgement before applying any information herein to their own personal situation. Custom Healthspan LLC disclaims all liability as stated in the Terms and Conditions of Use and Service of this website. Visitors are encouraged to consult a physician before engaging in any Custom Healthspan LLC program or any constituent activity, especially if you suffer or believe you may suffer from a serious psychological or physiological condition or illness.
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